While in Pittsburgh, we enjoyed a very lovely and indulgent dinner. One point of our conversation was spent reflecting on the past year: what we learned, what we didn't expect (or did), what we would do differently (if anything - I can't recall either of us saying we actually would change anything), and what we hope for the next year.
Here's what we came up with, a general list of points to consider in year one of marriage:
1. Go on dates.
It's so easy to forget about this very important aspect of any relationship. Enjoying quality time together doesn't restrict itself to watching Redbox movies for $1 and eating in. In our pursuit of squaring away our budget, saving money, paying off debt and above all else, forming a financial alliance that enables us to work together as a team, we often neglected to take each other out for a movie, or a dine-in meal, or anything that gives us the opportunity to pay attention to our relationship - the sole reason we have for even needing to pursue the above.
2. We come from several different families.
This is something we heard in our pre-marital class at the Chapel and yet it still managed to make us go, "hmm." Our individual families are the single biggest outside influence that each of us had before we got married. So many attributes that make up who we are individually are due to the way our families handle things. Money. Conflict. Decisions. Holidays. Each other. From the way our families joke with each other to the way our families plan vacations, all of it serves to point out the fact that we are one marriage from two different backgrounds. The advice our pre-marital class gave us? Move forward from those families (while being grateful for what they taught us) and do things our way.
3. After the wedding, everything goes into one pot.
As mentioned above, something we spent a lot of time and energy on over the last year was forming a financial alliance. Our goal is not only to be responsible with money, but to not let it become a bridge-less valley between us. Combining two salaries into one household income has so much potential to create conflict. Before the wedding, we as individuals "did our own thing" and never had to answer to each other for our decisions - that alone is an adjustment to make. We've heard of people who keep their money completely separate and make it work for them. We decided it made us stronger to unify our pocket books and together decide where and when the money went.
4. Both of us have quirks and less-than-ideal habits.
I sometimes wander away from the fridge for minutes at a time, leaving the door open, and forget to turn off the stove after I've served whatever came out of it. Aaron doesn't easily throw, give, or put stuff away, and could probably sit in front of the TV all day every day and happily play video games. We both find ourselves rolling our eyes at each other, picking on each other, wishing the other would just stop this and make our lives easier. I don't have to be a marriage vet to know that this is not something you learn or easily accept in one year. At least we accept that fact, even if we haven't graduated to finding the quirks and habits endearing yet. So - this one lives on, possibly for a long time coming.
5. Figure out what your responsibilities are.
This is easily the biggest one we've had to deal with. I used to have a one-bedroom apartment and only had to step over MY stuff, if I had to at all. I like to live in a clean, clutter-free spot. I feel warm and fuzzy inside when my living space is tidy with few "things" around. When there are too many "things" around or the dust-bunnies are collecting and the animal hair is snowballing, I get grumpy. The foundation of my mood is then pre-set to be judgmental and annoyed, even if I've had a good day. When I see that Aaron can contentedly live with "things" piled up around him and not be affected by it, that mood becomes my entire attitude. I need tidy and clean. Aaron does not. This does not make either of us in the wrong or right. It was NOT long in our first year before we realized this "sharing of responsibility" topic had to be discussed and resolved, because it was building discord between us. No, I can't say that we have resolved it, just discussed it to the moon and back, over and over, not always nicely. There has been progress. What we have learned so far? Divide the responsibilities, that part's obvious. Pick a day the responsibilities are to be handled. And STICK. TO. THE. SCHEDULE. We're 2 for 3 so far.
6. Respect each other's differences, tastes, preferences, and ideas.
My eyes may always glaze over when Aaron talks about science, history, and computers. I've had to defend 100 different subjects in 100 different debates where the subject is: "Is that art?" I want to install a fence in the backyard and paint every room in the house - Aaron wants to re-wire the house and install a home server. In the end, we compromise and accept, reminding ourselves that value is perspective and cannot be dismissed or ignored. We like and want different things. In marriage, dreams are to be shared, simply because.
7. Say what you want.
For some reason I have the tendency to be under the impression that Aaron can read my mind. I think, "He knows me better than ANYONE else; surely he can tell what I'm thinking or how I would feel about this or that, or why I'd be annoyed about that..." No, this is not the way Aaron is, any more than it is the way I am, woman's intuition and all. Even when the results aren't consistent, we have learned that communication works best when you actually use it.
8. Pick your battles.
We could wage war on a lot of issues. I can ask Aaron to put his clothes IN the hamper instead of throwing them at it and leaving them where they land; he could make a bigger deal out of the fact that I hardly ever lock the door from the garage into the house. Instead, we settle for the less than perfect qualities, knowing that we are married to an amazing person who has the ability to know when something's important and needs serious attention.
9. Be a unified front.
Always, always, always appear to be on the same side, even if secretly you're not. This is one of the many ways that the outside world can bring you down, by pitting you against each other. Intentionally or not.
10. Grace.
Another insightful bit of advice we learned from our pre-marital class: Each of us is married to a sinner. In simple and cliched words: we are not perfect, and never will be. Forgiveness is the key. Just as we have receive Grace in abundance, so must we give it. I don't think I need to say much more about that.
As mentioned above, something we spent a lot of time and energy on over the last year was forming a financial alliance. Our goal is not only to be responsible with money, but to not let it become a bridge-less valley between us. Combining two salaries into one household income has so much potential to create conflict. Before the wedding, we as individuals "did our own thing" and never had to answer to each other for our decisions - that alone is an adjustment to make. We've heard of people who keep their money completely separate and make it work for them. We decided it made us stronger to unify our pocket books and together decide where and when the money went.
4. Both of us have quirks and less-than-ideal habits.
I sometimes wander away from the fridge for minutes at a time, leaving the door open, and forget to turn off the stove after I've served whatever came out of it. Aaron doesn't easily throw, give, or put stuff away, and could probably sit in front of the TV all day every day and happily play video games. We both find ourselves rolling our eyes at each other, picking on each other, wishing the other would just stop this and make our lives easier. I don't have to be a marriage vet to know that this is not something you learn or easily accept in one year. At least we accept that fact, even if we haven't graduated to finding the quirks and habits endearing yet. So - this one lives on, possibly for a long time coming.
5. Figure out what your responsibilities are.
This is easily the biggest one we've had to deal with. I used to have a one-bedroom apartment and only had to step over MY stuff, if I had to at all. I like to live in a clean, clutter-free spot. I feel warm and fuzzy inside when my living space is tidy with few "things" around. When there are too many "things" around or the dust-bunnies are collecting and the animal hair is snowballing, I get grumpy. The foundation of my mood is then pre-set to be judgmental and annoyed, even if I've had a good day. When I see that Aaron can contentedly live with "things" piled up around him and not be affected by it, that mood becomes my entire attitude. I need tidy and clean. Aaron does not. This does not make either of us in the wrong or right. It was NOT long in our first year before we realized this "sharing of responsibility" topic had to be discussed and resolved, because it was building discord between us. No, I can't say that we have resolved it, just discussed it to the moon and back, over and over, not always nicely. There has been progress. What we have learned so far? Divide the responsibilities, that part's obvious. Pick a day the responsibilities are to be handled. And STICK. TO. THE. SCHEDULE. We're 2 for 3 so far.
6. Respect each other's differences, tastes, preferences, and ideas.
My eyes may always glaze over when Aaron talks about science, history, and computers. I've had to defend 100 different subjects in 100 different debates where the subject is: "Is that art?" I want to install a fence in the backyard and paint every room in the house - Aaron wants to re-wire the house and install a home server. In the end, we compromise and accept, reminding ourselves that value is perspective and cannot be dismissed or ignored. We like and want different things. In marriage, dreams are to be shared, simply because.
7. Say what you want.
For some reason I have the tendency to be under the impression that Aaron can read my mind. I think, "He knows me better than ANYONE else; surely he can tell what I'm thinking or how I would feel about this or that, or why I'd be annoyed about that..." No, this is not the way Aaron is, any more than it is the way I am, woman's intuition and all. Even when the results aren't consistent, we have learned that communication works best when you actually use it.
8. Pick your battles.
We could wage war on a lot of issues. I can ask Aaron to put his clothes IN the hamper instead of throwing them at it and leaving them where they land; he could make a bigger deal out of the fact that I hardly ever lock the door from the garage into the house. Instead, we settle for the less than perfect qualities, knowing that we are married to an amazing person who has the ability to know when something's important and needs serious attention.
9. Be a unified front.
Always, always, always appear to be on the same side, even if secretly you're not. This is one of the many ways that the outside world can bring you down, by pitting you against each other. Intentionally or not.
10. Grace.
Another insightful bit of advice we learned from our pre-marital class: Each of us is married to a sinner. In simple and cliched words: we are not perfect, and never will be. Forgiveness is the key. Just as we have receive Grace in abundance, so must we give it. I don't think I need to say much more about that.
Finally, I will leave you with a saying that we found relating to a familiar concept, that made us giggle:
“The man is the head of the house. But the woman is the neck. And she can turn the head any way she wants.”
LOVE this post. Evan and I could echo much of what you wrote about. What a fun journey we're on!
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